Most used phrases with my boys:

There are a few phrases, rules, really, that I say to my boys more than once. I have thought about what they all mean, and wanted to share.

Stay to the right.

30 07 11 Road rules (Photo credit: Kikishua)

As you might imagine, my boys and I spend a lot of time walking. Sometimes on a sidewalk, often in the mall, from time to time in a store. I spend a great deal of time reminding the boys to step to the right, in this culture recognized as the key rule of the road. Recently, my oldest said that when you walk on the road, you walk against traffic, and I agreed. I reminded him that that the rest of the time, we walk to the right. It seems to relate to my belief that politeness is mostly nonverbal. When we walk to the right, we show a certain kind of respect for others.

Not a contest.

My boys want me to be impressed by, proud of, and delighted with them. They know very well that I am enthralled with their behavior. Their want to impress me is always present. Very often this comes in the form of being the first to open the door for others, which I love and reward. Sometimes, though, it comes in the form of the statement “I can drink milk the fastest.” I say “not a contest” to remind them that some things are not worth mastering.

No unnecessary arguments.

The Argument Sketch (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My 5-year-old will often cite corrections to my 9-year-old because his beliefs, now, do not always align with reality. My 9 yo is a born teacher, and always moves to correct. Sometimes the back and forth goes on for some time. I find myself letting the conversation go until the point of simple correction, and try to shut down longer arguments of philosophy and ideology when they concern whether, for instance, trees or flowers are more alive than one another, or whether a clock says 4:15 or 4:16. I feel like this is one of my key lessons from my boys to me: Sometimes we are inexplicably dedicated to one idea or another, and sometimes they just don’t matter.

Please eat with your mouth closed.

My boys have the best table manners. I really adore the way they eat, sit, and thank servers, myself included. Every once in a while, a chewing sound emerges, and I squash it. I once worked in a cubicle where the guy next door would eat all day. Candy, noodles, coffee, or licorice, all of it came with a snap, crackle, gurgle, slurp. I wanted to quit. It was so rude, so overwhelmingly invasive, that I was ready to leave. I don’t want my boys to ever be the source of that kind of inconvenience.

Please sit in your seat.

Sit down, please. (Photo credit: Natalia Romay)

Sometimes, as we drive, the boys get kind of restless. As you might imagine, they start to move from their designated space in the car, straining the limits of their seat-belts. I think for a moment what might happen in the event of a sudden stop, and ask them to sit in their seats. There are certain rules, borne of the infinite impossible intrusion of fate, and I’ll do my best to prepare them for it.

Why are we screaming?/Can we have some quiet time?

I believe that there is a need for quiet in one’s life. I am addicted to a certain quiet. Sometimes, especially when my oldest is excited, he’ll raise his voice as he talks. I can always tell when he’s excited about something, because his voice increases in volume, and he begins to present, like he’s seen me do so many times. I love that he is adopting a skill of presentation, but I always they to remind him that there is a time for volume, and a time for quiet. He’s just as good as describing what he’s excited about in a normal voice.

I think that my fathering can be described as preparatory, safety-oriented, and kindness-heavy. I think that these rules give my boys the opportunity to be prepared, safe, polite and human. I don’t know that I can do any better than this.